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50 Really Funny Marriage Tweets That Just Nailed It This Year

"After many heart-to-heart talks, my husband and I have decided at this stage of our marriage to go ahead and get separate tubes of toothpaste."


No matter how much you adore and appreciate your spouse, you have to admit that occasionally their little quirks and irksome habits can be downright annoying.

The good news is that if you live with someone who can’t load the dishwasher to save their life, always waits until the last possible moment to shower or steals fries off your plate at every opportunity, take heart in knowing you’re certainly not alone.

For your entertainment, we’ve gathered 50 of the funniest and most relatable marriage tweets we’ve seen this year.

Check them out below:1

SpacedMom@copymama

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.33.2K6:06 PM – Apr 9, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy6,944 people are talking about this2

Jack Boot@IamJackBoot

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.1,6847:32 AM – Jul 8, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy620 people are talking about this3

Amy Dillon@amydillon

DATING: I thought it was sad when I’d see a married couple at a restaurant not talking.
MARRIED: We carry on an entire conversation about the couple on a date at the table next to us using only our eyebrows.3,7997:39 PM – Feb 18, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy624 people are talking about this4

Kent Graham@KentWGraham

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”2,2452:59 AM – May 15, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy718 people are talking about this5

sophielouwho@sophielou

After many heart to heart talks my husband and I have decided at this stage of our marriage to go ahead and get separate tubes of toothpaste.1,2937:19 AM – Jan 10, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy532 people are talking about this6

dadopotamus@dadopotamus

I don’t wanna talk about it until you’re about to fall asleep.

-Marriage2,6438:40 PM – Jul 27, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy736 people are talking about this7

Cydni Beer@cydbeer

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”42.9K7:40 PM – Mar 15, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy12.5K people are talking about this8

Jessie@mommajessiec

Me: *parallel parking*

Husband: *visibly aging*2,1436:33 AM – Oct 25, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy412 people are talking about this9

eric@ericsshadow

my wife and i can’t agree on where to eat so this time we’re going to her favorite restaurant then next time we’ll go to her other favorite restaurant1,6611:35 PM – Jan 3, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy426 people are talking about this10

Simon Holland@simoncholland

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.2,3116:11 PM – Sep 4, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy285 people are talking about this11

The Abominable The Alex Nevil@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.4,6757:00 AM – Jan 17, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy2,231 people are talking about this12

Sassparilla@Megatronic13

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no113K11:42 AM – Aug 21, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy20.3K people are talking about this13

Momarazzi.@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick10.4K11:27 AM – Oct 27, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy1,821 people are talking about this14

Jingle Bell Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.1,30810:53 AM – Apr 18, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy429 people are talking about this15

JPo@Peauxtassium

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?16.4K10:38 AM – Sep 9, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy3,060 people are talking about this16

Jon@ArfMeasures

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson2,8376:43 AM – Nov 13, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy535 people are talking about this17

m@thew@TweetPotato314

wife: how about you be the little spoon tonight?

me: we’ve gone over this *points to my crown* i’m a spork1254:57 PM – Oct 11, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy36 people are talking about this18

Jackie@jackiembouvier

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.79910:23 AM – Apr 7, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy235 people are talking about this19

Josh@iwearaonesie

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
wife *turns the TV up*3,8012:59 PM – Feb 6, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy1,141 people are talking about this20

OldCardigan@MizzusT

First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house1,8632:20 PM – Jul 22, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy540 people are talking about this21

Lady Lawya@Parkerlawyer

I tried on an outfit and asked husband if he liked that one or the next one best…then went into the closet and came out with the exact same outfit on and he looked at me and dead ass said, “Definitely the first one.”16.8K3:25 PM – Aug 19, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy2,079 people are talking about this22

Oops!…I Dad It Again@NewDadNotes

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.11.5K7:02 AM – Aug 16, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy2,619 people are talking about this23

Jingle Bell Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.5,7731:25 PM – Jul 16, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy1,857 people are talking about this24

Rodney Lacroix@RodLacroix

Me: Hey honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?

Wife: You have legs. Get it yourself.

Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.1964:45 AM – Feb 14, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy65 people are talking about this25

Betty Spork-ghetti@BoomBoomBetty

Me texting husband at Target: They’re just tampons. Get the ones in the pink box on the top shelf.

My husband texting me at Home Depot: It’s just a socket wrench 3/4 hex right cosine the square root of 238 sudden death overtime. It has a black handle.2,0447:21 AM – Nov 8, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy569 people are talking about this26

Maybe She…@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”1,9026:56 PM – Mar 25, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy1,162 people are talking about this27

mark@TheCatWhisprer

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.1,2295:41 AM – Sep 9, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy276 people are talking about this28

Momarazzi.@Mirimade

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.10.7K8:03 PM – Sep 5, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy1,393 people are talking about this29

Andrew Fowler@fowlerism

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run2,2933:21 PM – Jun 14, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy494 people are talking about this30

JPo@Peauxtassium

My husband unloaded the dishwasher so I guess now it’s time to have a parade for him3,9384:22 PM – Nov 11, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy884 people are talking about this31

Stabbatha Christy@LoveNLunchmeat

If you’ve been married for any length of time, you’ve thought about grocery shopping during sex. Don’t front.4792:42 PM – Feb 15, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy173 people are talking about this32

Dan Regan@Social_Mime

Wife – We have to go to Kohls today so I can spend my $5 Kohls cash before it expires.
Me – I’ll give you $10 if I can stay home.84110:48 AM – Apr 14, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy234 people are talking about this33

DPW@pondermymaker

(100 miles from exit)

Wife: You need to get in the right lane.2,9346:47 PM – Feb 28, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy862 people are talking about this34

OldCardigan@MizzusT

When you do it, it’s annoying, when I do it, it’s adorable.

Me, explaining life to my husband2539:30 AM – Jan 22, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy99 people are talking about this35

Josh@iwearaonesie

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*5,2626:37 PM – May 21, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy1,373 people are talking about this36

Elisabeth@YourMomsucksTho

After 22 years my best marriage advice is don’t marry someone who sets his two phones and alarm clock to go off at 5min intervals and then always hits snooze for at least an hour.7,4214:35 AM – Sep 3, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy1,129 people are talking about this37

J-pants@Jayme_Pants

Three months.

That’s how long my husband stood by and watched me water a fake plant.85.7K2:30 PM – Dec 4, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy8,745 people are talking about this38

Sara Says Stop@PetrickSara

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.6152:41 PM – Mar 30, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy210 people are talking about this39

dadopotamus@dadopotamus

My wife just asked me to build a new deck like I’m Jesus or something.4,5447:27 PM – Aug 25, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy882 people are talking about this40

Boyd’s Backyard™@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if we had a dungeon, my wife would decorate it with throw pillows.2,1685:51 AM – Jul 16, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy1,145 people are talking about this41

Cathryn @AngryRaccoon2

I’m so lazy, I’m more of an “atrophy” wife.1,98712:08 AM – Jul 27, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy730 people are talking about this42

Married Sexting…

I’m not wearing any underwear because you didn’t put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you 100 times— LipsStyx💋 (@LipsStyx) October 12, 2018

43

Chad Read@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?3,0418:51 AM – Oct 7, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy662 people are talking about this44

Tracie Breaux@traciebreaux

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

View image on Twitter

2,9097:07 PM – Oct 10, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy858 people are talking about this45

Simon Holland@simoncholland

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*1,2186:42 PM – Nov 8, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy282 people are talking about this46

Stacey@skittle624

Whenever my husband shows me affection and my dogs get jealous, I have to tell them that they are my true loves and he means nothing to me.7307:29 AM – Nov 3, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy308 people are talking about this47

Nonchalant Charlotte@jellybnbonanza

I mainly got married so I can have someone answer the door when the take-out comes.37911:37 AM – Nov 7, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy159 people are talking about this48

Ramblin Mama@ramblinma

Me to my husband: Why don’t you ever buy me flowers?

Me to myself when I see a dude buying flowers: What’d this motherfucker do?1,1766:52 PM – May 10, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy284 people are talking about this49

ᴋᴇᴠɪɴ ᴡ ᴋᴏʀᴘɪ@kwkorpi

Me: [boiling water]

Wife: No, not like THAT!6538:55 AM – Mar 31, 2018 · Texas, USATwitter Ads info and privacy313 people are talking about this50

Dude-Bro Dad@thedadvocate01

Wife: IT’S OVER! GET OUT!

Me: Ok, good luck killing spiders

Wife: Wait1,1977:25 PM – Nov 19, 2018Twitter Ads info and privacy349 people are talking about this


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